I'm Going to Die Soon

People always tell me I'm rushing.

I'm 19 years old, college undergradute but working as an English tutor- specializing (bongga diba!) in speaking. I don't look 19. I don't have credentials for my work. I've been an English tutor for half a year now and none of my students know I'm 19. They think I'm in my early 20s (I look the part anyway). Mind you, these are face to face classes so I mask whatever 'childishness' I have (and I have lots of them).

Starting this December, I'll be working 6 days a week, from 7-2:30 every weekdays (with a 6-9PM work on Wednesdays and Fridays), and 7-5PM every Satuday. No, I don't earn big if that's what you're thinking (despite the work hours and 2 jobs). I have better uses for my money (for near-future stuff and people I might leave behind mostly).

And because of my actions, of how I lead my life, of how I talk, how I am: people tell me I'm rushing.

You're too young. Nagmamadali ka ata. At your age, you should still be hanging out. 19? I was out chilling with my friends when I was 19.

And yes, I am rushing. I know. I don't feel 19, so you can drop the age thing. Never belonged in my age group anyway. But yes, I am rushing.

No, I will not slow down.

I am dying.

I am in the threat of death at every passing second.

So are you.

No, I don't have a terminal disease
No, no one is after me
No, I'm not going to kill myself

It's just that I feel I'll die soon. I don't want to die soon, I have many things to live for. I have a beautiful girl who loves me. She's a natural 20 in my life of median numbers. At this point, I want to live long if she's going to be with me. But I feel I'm dying.

The threat of death makes me feel alive, it makes others feel alive too. That's why there are daredevils. While I don't claim to be one, I've taken it to the extreme.

I need to do as much as I can before the winds of existence blows away my name on the sand. And this my friends, is the only reason why I'm rushing life.

Be patient like a snake who knows when to strike
Be enduring like a tortoise who knows not to stop

I am patient. I strike when the time is best. The best time is now.